This week's V-Card Diaries interview comes from 21-year-old Lilith, who writes a blog called Sexual Buzz. She talks to us about recovering from trauma, how she defines virginity, and the ways in which sex can bond us to others. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.
Tell us about yourself
I’m a 21 year old average female. I consider myself ‘heteroflexible,’ primarily attracted to males but not opposed to the idea of being with a women. I come from a conservative catholic family and we don’t talk about sex ever. I never even got a ‘use protection’ talk or ‘wait till your married’ talk and to this day wonder if my parents ever suspect I’ve had sex. Away from my family I’m much more liberal and open minded about sex and even recently started a blog about various things including sex.
What is your definition of virginity?
Since I have many GLBTQ friends I know the ‘penis in a vagina’ definition is not a good one for everyone, however if I had to define it in concrete terms for me and other heteronormal couples I would say sex is either vaginal or anal penetration with the penis. Using tampons and sex toys doesn't count, and I don't think anal sex is a loop hole. I gave oral sex before having sex and still considered myself a virgin at that point, although I know for many people that’s a gray area.
Why did you decide to stay a virgin?
I never decided to stay a virgin till married, however I also always knew it was something I wanted to be special, and I didn’t want to lose it during a one night stand but at least to someone I was in a safe long term and loving relationship with eve if they weren't 'The One'. I was frustrated because for quite awhile I felt like a very sexual person and was ready to sex, but wasn’t able to maintain a serious relationship long enough to be comfortable with them. Some of the guys I dated left after finding out my number was 0 and realizing I wouldn’t get ready to have sex for awhile. But I wasn’t ready to have casual sex like many of my friends.
When did you lose your virginity?
It’s hard to explain but I think of 3 different times when I think of losing my virginity. My first sexual experience was sadly date rape from a slightly older ‘mentor’ student during my freshman year of college. While at his house he drugged me, then took me back to my room, and had sex with me. I only remember unpleasant flashes of it but I know he penetrated me, thus according to my own definition taking my virginity. However, I never consented and after recovering from the incident I found I continued to identify as a virgin, partly because I didn’t even feel attached to my body at the time. However, I still struggled with the idea that he may have taken my ‘technical’ virginity.
Later I began dating someone and eventually felt ready to have consensual sex and truly lose my virginity to him both physically and spiritually. However he had some health problems and we were never able to consecrate the act fully due to problems on his part which prevented any penetration, yet I had be willing and we had tried several times so I felt that I had ‘given’ some part of myself to him, perhaps my ‘spiritual’ virginity.
Eventually when dating someone else it finally happened, we had actual penetrative sex that I agreed to. The first time was a little awkward and mechanical and just sex, but later it became making love. I told him the previous stories, and for the most part I believe we both consider him my first, just with a tiny asterisk next to it (in conversation I find myself saying, "John Smith with my first... sort of"). Generally I think of this is the ‘true’ time I lost my virginity.
Anything else you want to say about virginity?
In the end I think it’s everyone’s right to define sex and virginity as they want. I also have no problem with people who want (safe) casual sex. I just know for me sex is special and tied to emotions very strongly, a not just something physical my body is doing. Each time I ‘lost it’ I went through some difficult emotionally changes, partly because a word I had define a part of myself as my entire life was now gone. At times I wish my first time was all magical, in a field of flowers and ending in 5 multiple orgasms like I was lead to believe, but I don’t regret it. It was what it was, I can’t change it, and it has lead me to where I am now, having sex with some I love, and it truly has deepened and enhanced our bond in unimaginable ways.